Adorn
by MystWords
Summary: My take on how Karma is feeling after the season 2A finale. Probably will become more than a oneshot. Karmy. Slight AU, I guess.
1. Author Note

**So, here's the new and hopefully improved version of 'So You Can Cry'. Obviously, there's a title change but just in case you thought it familiar, it is pretty similar in the beginning but the plot's slightly changed, little details are added here and there and just generally, I think it works better.**

**I do hope you enjoy reading and feel free to leave criticism/feedback, suggestions for what you would like to happen etc. I can't guarantee that I'll use your suggestions if it doesn't fit with my plot outline but I may write some oneshots if it is wanted.**

**Also, I'll be staggering the posting of chapters so as not to flood your inboxes.**

**Anyways…that's all I have to say.**

**Enjoy!**

**-A**

**P.S. Disclaimer: All characters do not belong to me unless they do (a few minor characters) and none of the songs/lyrics used belong to me.**


	2. Chapter 1: How Do I Breathe?

**Chapter 1: How Do I Breathe? – Mario**

'How do I breathe?

Without you here by my side?

How will I see?

When your love brought me to the light?

Where do I go?

When your heart's where I lay my head?

When you're not with me,

How do I breathe?

How do I breathe?**'**

You climb up off of Liam, frown in place.

You can't do this. You dreamed of kissing _her_ whilst here with _him._ You look down at him and want to cry. You look down and your heart doesn't speed up, your palms don't get sweaty. If anything, they itch to beat and pull and destroy every feeling inside of you.

He isn't what you want. You can't try anymore.

You couldn't have tried harder but he is just not her and you know it.

Goosebumps appear on your skin and you get dressed as quick as you can. You don't want Liam to wake up, you don't want him to think everything's okay. This was your thank you to him, this was your way of forgetting that she's with Reagan right now. She's with Reagan right now, probably touching and kissing and making love to her and not you.

You swallow down the lump in your throat and shake your head as if that could banish the images invading your consciousness.

It doesn't work.

You run.

You run and find your way home and to your bed where you pull your clothes off, burrow under the blankets and imagine your mind is as empty as the darkness of this night.

It doesn't work.

Your lungs burn like petals set on fire and you wish _you_ could turn to ash and float away. The urge to destroy comes back and so you beat and scratch and cut at your chest, as if that could stop your heart from beating for _her. _

You cry.

You miss her, you miss home.

"_I've been in love with you since the day we met."_

And you have, too. You remember meeting her, seeing her in Kindergarten for the first time. It wasn't until later that you noticed how pretty, how kind, how caring she was. All you remember about that first meeting with her is feeling home, feeling safe, feeling happy.

That's how you know, that's how you know that she's your soul mate and Liam is not.

But you messed everything up and now she's with somebody else.

Your chest stings and burns and you like the feeling, you like it so much because now, now it's your turn to hurt instead of her_. _Even though she betrayed you, she broke your trust, you just want her to stop hurting. That's why you forgave her, that and the fact living without her is unacceptable.

She's your soul mate and you can't keep punishing her for your feelings.

You taste the saltiness of tears on your lips, your throat feels raw from being forced into silence, your head feels too full. You search for the photo of you and her, the one you took from your mirror and kept in your dresser draw and smile once you glimpse at it.

You crawl back under your blanket and stare at it, stare until your vision begins to dim and the fog in your head begins to lift, until unconsciousness becomes your friend as the sun begins to rise.

—

The sun blinds you when you wake. You feel something akin to a hangover, even though you haven't drunk alcohol in a while. You place the photo on the side and grab your phone to check the time.

12:43pm.

You never sleep this late. The urge to move and just do something is usually consuming you but not today. Today you lie there and stare at the ceiling, feeling drained.

You don't know if you like it or not. You're swinging from one extreme to other too fast. You're numb and yet you feel everything. You are a pendulum and no matter which way you swing, you're being pulled in the other direction.

Liam. Amy.

The world. Your parents.

Acceptance. Love.

You don't know how long you lie there but you know the sound of her in your house. You know the sound of each footstep, each note of her voice that greets your parents, each knock on the door as she alerts you to her presence.

"Hi," she says and you feel like still, you feel silent, you feel home even though your heart is beating double time.

"Hi." Your throat burns. That isn't what it wants to say. It wants to tell her you love her, you need her, you're hers but you can't do that. You can't let her know how much power she has to destroy you. You can't let yourself hurt her anymore. That's why you always chose Liam. It doesn't matter if you hurt him.

She looks down, catching sight of the scratch marks, the blood that litters your chest. You try to hide it but you know she has seen it, now. She frowns and swallows down the tears building in her eyes.

Her eyes. You love them. They're so pretty, so vivid, so perfect…like her.

"What-what? Why do you have?" She shakes her head. "Karma, what happened?" She walks over and sits next to you on the edge of the bed. You look down but she reaches out for you and forces you to look at her.

"Nothing."

"That doesn't look like nothing," she says, pointing at your marred skin. "Who did it? It wasn't Liam, was it? I'll fucking kill him."

"It's nothing. I promise. Nobody hurt me." You look her in the eyes. "I promise, nobody did this to me, okay?" She nods. "So, how was your camping trip?" You smile.

"It was fine." She shrugs. "Are you okay? Are we-are we okay?" You always thought she looked cute with the crease in her brow but now you feel bad, feel bad that you can't confide in your best friend anymore.

"Of course. C'mere." You hug her close and feel so, so relaxed. "I'm okay, I promise. You're here, what could be wrong?"

She hugs you back, so tight and you revel in how she brings you close.

You both lie on the bed for a while, arms still wrapped around each other until her phone goes off. She replies but before long, she receives another text which causes her to frown.

"What's up?"

"I was supposed to meet up with Reagan but I cancelled and she's pissed." She shrugs, tucking the phone back into her pocket. You push her away and feel the burn back in your throat.

"You should go."

"No, I want to spend some time with you."

"No. Go spend some time with Reagan and make up with her. You can spend time with me whenever, I'm always here." She smiles at you and want to cry.

"Are you sure?" She rests her forehead on yours. You tuck her hair behind her ear before nodding.

"I'm sure. But I want to spend time with you soon, I miss you."

"I miss you, too. Hey, how about tomorrow after school, we have a movie night. Just us."

"Sounds perfect." You smile and kiss her cheek. "Now off with you."

"Okay. Love you." She gives you one last hug.

"I love you."

She leaves. You cry. You cry until your eyes sting and your lungs burn and your body shuts down. And you sleep peacefully, deeply until the next day. The next day when your stomach feels like it's going to turn itself inside out with hunger, and your skin feels sore and fragile and everything just hurts.

You spend the day hiding. Hiding your scratches, hiding your sheets that have drops of blood here and there, hiding yourself from everyone but her when she arrives.

Then you smile.

She sits next to you and you both sit staring into the box she brought with her. You can't wait to put everything back where it belongs. Your room felt empty without her presence to comfort you.

The days without her in your life, the days you spent ignoring her were truly the worst of your life. How could you ever function without your soul mate by your side? You wonder if you ever will be able to cope with losing her.

She reaches out and hugs you and you don't want her to stop. Everything feels okay, everything feels safe when it's just you two together but you know it can't last. That's why you pull away and begin filling the empty spaces with objects that remind you of her.

"Thanks for bringing this stuff back, Princess." You catch sight of her smirk and smile.

"You're welcome, Captain. Now, c'mon, let's watch a movie. You can pick." She taps the space next to her and winks at you. You smile. She almost always lets you pick and so you always decide but today, today can, today will be different.

"No." She frowns. "Why don't you pick the movie and I'll go get some snacks? You know where the laptop is and the password," you say, turning to walk out the room. "We can watch a documentary or something if you like."

"Okay. You sure?"

"Yup. Now hurry, you take so long to pick something."

"You lie."

"Mhmm, we'll soon see when I get back, won't we?" She looks endearingly at you and you feel your heart melt more and more when you're around her.

It doesn't take you long to find everything and carry it upstairs. You're standing in your door way, smiling.

You always found it adorable how her tongue poked out when she's deep in concentration. You lean against the door frame, popcorn in hand, watching for a few moments and soaking her in.

"Karma. Come help pick a movie." You wonder how she always knew when you entered a room, even without looking at you.

"I knew it." She glares at you for a moment before a smile breaks through. "The first one you look at…now." She groans.

"Twilight it is." You laugh and walk over, lying down on your front next to Amy.

"Well, how about we just watch one of the Scooby Doo movies?" You nudge her shoulder. "I know they're your favourite."

"Only because of you, stupid."

"Me? I thought it was Velma that did it for you."

"Ha-ha. Go and get the movie, short stuff."

"Hey, I'm not short." You go and find the DVD. She watches you and you like how easy this is. There's no tears, no anger, just your friendship. The best thing you have and the one thing you can't lose.

You head towards the bed and crawl towards Amy when you see her sigh. You frown as you watch her turn off her phone.

"What's up?"

"Nothing." You raise an eyebrow at her. "It really is nothing. And besides, tonight's just about us. Karma and Amy, right?"

"Right." You look sceptically at her.

"Exactly. So nothing else matters besides us eating this popcorn and watching Scooby Doo." You want to see her smile and not look so down.

"Scooby-doobi-doo." You do the obligatory bad impression and feel lighter as soon as you hear her laugh. She pinches your cheeks.

"So cute."

"Mhmm, move it or lose it, Princess." You push her over so you can lie next to her. "And hey, I'm not cute, I'm sexy." She smirks.

"I am sexy, aren't I?" She cheekily shimmies for you and push her shoulder. She falls to the side and brings you down with her. Half of you leans on her back and you rest your head on her shoulder. "Comfy?" You nod your head. "Good." You don't want to ruin the moment with words so you just watch the movie and feel her beneath you, laughing and happy.

Before you know it, the movie is over, the stomach pains from laughing so hard have gone and Amy is lying next to you, getting ready to fall asleep.

"You okay?" she quietly asks. You breathe in her scent. You cuddle into the jumper she let you steal and move closer, placing an arm on her waist. You love this jumper. It's green just like her eyes and she just looks so good in it.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Are you? Something was bothering you earlier." You frown into the darkness and your voice rises at the end with curiosity.

"I'm fine, it's nothing."

"Amy." You sigh.

"Nope. Unless you tell me what the nothing that happened yesterday was about, I'm not going to tell you what my nothing is about."

"That's stupid."

"Maybe but I'm worried. I love you, I just want to know what happened. Those scratches didn't get there by themselves."

"I just-I just fell, y'know." She scoffs and pulls you close.

"We've known each other forever. We both know you're lying."

"Okay. I'll tell you what happened but you have to promise not to ask why, yet."

"Why?"

"Please. There's just some stuff I can't tell you, yet. One day I will, I promise but just not yet, okay?"

"Okay." You rest your head on her chest.

"I was just hurt and angry and stuff." You begin tracing shapes on her hip and focus solely on that. "I did it to myself but it's okay, it doesn't really hurt and they'll go away soon." She's silent for a little while but when she speaks you know, you know she's sad by the huskiness in her voice and the way she grips you tighter. She pulls you so close, there's no room between you.

"Karma, it's never okay that you've hurt yourself like that. It won't ever be okay that you hurt yourself. I know you can't tell me why, yet but can I do anything to fix it? Can I make whatever's bothering you better? Oh, God. It's not because of me, is it? Because of what me and Liam did?" Her body tenses and she begins to speak fast. "I'm sorry, I'm so—"

"Amy, no," you shout loud enough to stop her talking and lean up to look at her in the dark. "No. This wasn't your fault. At. All. Not one bit, y'hear me? And you are fixing it. Right now, you're making everything better, you're making me better."

"Are you sure? Are you sure there's nothing else I can—"

"No."

"Okay. But you promise it's okay now? And you promise if you need me, you'll say?"

"I promise and hey, you." You lightly tap her nose. "Don't think I've forgetting there's something bothering you."

"It's just Reagan." You feel her shrug. "Sometimes she gets jealous when I hang out with you." You frown. You know this is partly your fault. You shouldn't have caused trouble at the dinner that night. None of what happened was Reagan's fault but you couldn't help it. You were so jealous that she got to spend time with your Amy. Your Amy that isn't really yours but you've never been able to accept that. Now you're trying, though, now you're going to learn for Amy's sake, for her happiness.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's not your fault."

"It kinda is."

"Well, maybe a little bit but you're my best friend. I'm going to spend time with you no matter what."

"I know. Maybe, um, maybe we should all meet up or something and I can apologise and she can see there's nothing to worry about?"

"Maybe. She kinda has to get it over it though. I can't and I won't lose you."

"I know. I can't lose you, either, my princess." You cuddle in close to her and smile. No matter what, you can't lose each other.

And even though there words are lodged in your throat, you can't never spit them out and tell her. You can't risk it. You need to have your best friend in your life forever.

You rest your head on her chest and fall asleep with a smile.

You wake up smiling, too. Amy has always cuddled you in her sleep and this morning, you wake up spooning each other. For a brief moment, you wonder if best friends actually do this but then decide it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how others are because this is how you guys are.

"Morning, Sunshine," she says. The sleep filled husk to her voice sends shivers down your spine and creates goosebumps on your skin. "Did you sleep well?" Her arms tighten slightly around your waist.

"Yup. Did you?"

"Slept great. Like, seriously, your bed is so much more comfortable than mine." You laugh at the predictability of her. She says this every time.

"Well, time to get up for school, Princess, so c'mon." She groans and cocoons herself within the blankets. You get up and stand by the bed, hands on your hips.

"Karma, I was comfy." You smirk.

"C'mon, love. It's time to get up." You shake her a little and pull away the covers.

"Okay, okay. Fine." She pouts. "You're so lucky I love you." She heads to your door.

"Where're you going?"

"To shower. You woke me up, I get the shower first."

"But Amy," you groan. She runs off before you can say anymore and you groan again. "You're really lucky I love you," you shout and hear her laugh in response as the shower turns on.


	3. Chapter 2: Rather Be

**Chapter 2: Rather Be – Clean Bandit feat. Jess Glynne**

'_We staked out on a mission to find our inner peace_

_Make it everlasting so nothing's incomplete_

_It's easy being with you, sacred simplicity_

_As long as we're together, there's no place I'd rather be'_

You're fine, you're content all day until you see them outside at lunch. You see Amy and Reagan kissing and smiling and happy and holding each other like you want to hold Amy. Your chest feels like a chipped window pane now fracturing under the pressure.

You run. You've always been good at that so you do it again. You run until you're safe, locked in a bathroom stall and crying so much your sobs can't keep up.

She's moved on.

You sit there until no more tears come, until the bell for class has been and gone, until your body aches from sitting still so long. You catch sight of yourself in the mirror once you move and wish that it would shatter, too. The red rings around your eyes, the blotchy skin gives you away and make you feel as ugly as you've ever felt.

No wonder Amy could move on so quickly. No wonder Liam hasn't even bothered with you. You turn away from the mirror in disgust and blindly walk down the corridor until you bump into someone.

Oliver.

He holds your arms and steadies you.

"H-Hey," he stutters and adjusts his glasses. You notice him freeze when he gets a clear look at you. "Are you okay?" You feel the tears come again and look down. Your body shakes and you only remain standing because of Oliver's grip on you. "Hey, hey, c'mon, let's sit down." He helps lower you down so you're both sitting side by side against the lockers.

You don't care if you get caught, you don't care about anything except for the fact that it hurts. It hurts so much. You whimper and he puts an arm around you.

"Hey, it'll be okay. Whatever it is, it'll be okay." You rest your head on his shoulder.

"I-I'm sorry." You hiccup. "I just-I mean—" You bury your head in his chest and cry. He wraps an arm around you and pulls you close.

"C'mon, let's go somewhere, somewhere we can talk or something, okay?" You nod your head in agreement and he keeps an arm around you waist and guides you to wherever you're going.

It's silent until you arrive.

"And all I had to do was get all the serial numbers for the locks, call the manufacturer and pretend to be the janitor. They sent me all the keys to the locks and here I am," he says as he swings open the door to the security camera room. You're impressed by his intelligence. You know Amy would think he was cool for it. "It was-it was pretty easy." He sits down and doesn't look at you for long. In fact, he looks anywhere but at you. "I know it's pretty weird but, y'know?" He shrugs. "I just wanted to see what I'm supposed to be like."

"No…No, I get it, kinda." Your voice is hoarse and you wipe your face, trying to remove the tear tracks. You're glad you wear waterproof mascara.

"Yeah." He drags the word out and you can tell by his excessive fidgeting that he's nervous. "So, are you okay? Do you-do you want to talk about it? Or movies? We can watch movies or TV shows or something? I-I'm sorry. I'm a little…awkward." He shrugs and you find the way he keeps adjusting his glasses endearing. You wipe your face one last time.

"It's okay. It's okay. Can we just not talk about it?"

"Oh, of course, of course. So, movie?"

"Sure."

"What do you want to watch?"

"What you got?"

"Whatever you want. I, er, I mean I can get whatever movie you want to watch up and we can-we can just…watch it?" He vaguely swipes his hand in the direction of a laptop, his you assume. It takes you a few minutes to decide on a movie.

"Twilight." He looks at you for a moment and you frown. What did you do?

"Twilight? Oh, okay. Twilight it is. Just give me a moment." He loads up his computer and you watch as he types faster than you've ever seen someone type before. "And there you go," he says, tapping one last button.

You lose yourself in the movie. The hopeless romantic in you can't help it. Oliver sits and watches it for the most part, silently with you. He scoffs, just like Amy at all the parts you find cute and sweet. You can't help but notice how alike and yet how different they are and Oliver hasn't even said much. He's just fidgeted and sat rigid next to you the whole time.

"Do you want me to go?" you ask as the movie ends. You're feeling better and you know how nervous and awkward he is. Your heart still hurts but you've got to move on, like Jacob, you have to move on. He looks at you for a few seconds before looking just behind your head and occasionally catching your eyes.

"You don't have to. I mean, if you're not ready to go back, we can hang out or something? It's really, kinda up to you, y'know?" He shrugs again.

"Thanks, Oliver. I really appreciate-I mean, just thank you." You look down for a few moments trying to formulate the right words. "You didn't have to care but thank you for looking out for me."

"It's okay. I mean, Amy's pretty cool and you're her best friend so you must be pretty cool as well." You smile comes out as a grimace. From now on, you'll be her best friend, the greatest friend you can be but that's all.

"She's amazing," you say. He bops his head in agreement and you wonder if maybe he feels a little like you do right now. "So what do you do for fun?"

"Break into security camera rooms for anthropological research and watch a lot of documentaries." You see his shoulders visibly relax and smile. Maybe you could be friends. "You?" he says after too much silence.

"That's pretty interesting. I like music."

"I noticed."

"Yeah, and I like to watch movies and other teenage girly stuff that you probably don't like."

"Oh. That's-that's cool." The fond look that passes over your face isn't lost on him. He frowns.

"It's not really but thank you."

"You're welcome."

—

Oliver is around a lot more than you ever noticed before. You wonder if he's just checking up on you or if you really were that unobservant before. You assume it was the latter. You know how self-absorbed you can be.

He finds you a few days later, not far from the lockers you crashed into him in front of, quietly staring off into space when you should be in class. You wonder if he was going to class or just doing 'research'. You kind of like knowing he's watching. He's a good guy. Shy and awkward but he cared for you when he didn't have to.

"Hey," he says, walking over to you. "If you need a shoulder, I've got two. Or not if you want me to go away, just say. That's fine but if you need me." He stops talking when you walk over and place your forehead on his shoulder.

"I love her, I love her so much," you whisper and the world gets lifted off of your shoulders. It's so liberating to finally say it to someone and you know Oliver doesn't really understand what's going on but he's there. He's there awkwardly placing a hand on your back and begins patting you.

"And that's bad?" You nod against his shoulder in response. "How can loving anyone be bad?"

"Because she's my best friend and she's with someone else." You can't voice these confessions in anything but a whisper.

"Ah. I see. But you love her as more than a friend." You nod. "Have you told her?"

"I can't." You lean away and stand face to face with him.

"Why?"

"I messed up and I just can't." You shrug and don't even cry anymore. Everything but heartache has left. "We've hardly spoken the past few days, anyway." Agitation creeps into your voice. "She's too busy."

"Have you messaged her?" You shake your head.

"No."

"Why? If you want to speak to her, why not contact her?"

"I just." You shrug. "I just don't want her to get in trouble and I don't know what to say, anymore."

"Trouble?" He frowns but the look you give him makes him change topic. "Want to get out of here?" he says. You nod in the affirmative and find yourself watching movies with Oliver once again in the security camera room. You like it here, with Oliver. He doesn't expect anything from you and you don't have to do or be anything at all.

And little things about him are just like her, just like your princess.

"So, I've got this friend," he says just as you're getting ready to leave. "She's a musician, too and I play a little piano, myself. I thought maybe, only if you want to, of course. Maybe tomorrow night or something, we can jam and just play some music? I don't know." He shrugs. "I just thought that might be nice-that might be good for you and she'll like you and it beats just being two of us." He cleans his glasses on his jumper before placing them back on.

"That sounds…that sounds pretty awesome, Ol. Thanks for inviting me. I'll be there." You smile and note the slight blush on his face as he smiles back.

"You're, er, you're welcome." You exchange numbers. He smiles again and you throw a wave in his direction as you leave.

It's good to have someone you can talk to but won't push you. It's good to have someone that it's just so easy, so simple to be around because you're truly just friends. Well, maybe not friends yet but you're close to it.

You send a text thanking him again.

—

You have so much fun just playing around with your guitar and voice. The music sings to you just as much as you sing to it.

Caitlyn and Oliver have been keeping you distracted, too, goofing around and you've never seen Oliver so comfortable. Maybe Caitlyn is his Amy. You smile as you watch them both, now, pushing and shoving each other like they're 8. Oliver falls off his seat and his glasses fall off. You and Caitlyn laugh.

"My glasses. I can't see without my glasses." You double over with laughter.

"Jinkies. What will you do?" Caitlyn says, handing them back to Oliver. He rolls his eyes and smiles at you both.

"Nice to see you're both so good to me."

"Aw, Ol. We're nice but even you must admit that was funny," you say, pinching one of his cheeks. "Our little Velma." He pushes you, gently away.

"Shut up and get playing."

It's late before you leave and you think tonight, you'll be able to sleep easy for one night, at least.

Caitlyn and Oliver welcomed you so easily into their friendship. You know how music has been their thing with each other for so long but they didn't mind you interrupting that, if only for a day.

Once home, you text Oliver and Caitlyn, letting them both know you're home safe like they asked you to do and giving your thanks, once again.

You're trying so hard to move on, to build a space separate from Amy like she's doing with Reagan and they're making it so easy for you.

You smile for the first time in a while as you greet your parents before heading off to bed.

Today has been a good day.

—

You're walking with Oliver to class.

"So, how about a jam session, tonight?" he asks. You're surprised and he notices. "What?"

"I just thought it was a onetime thing, y'know? Just to make me feel better."

"Well, it kind of was." He shrugs and scratches the back of his head. "But it was pretty cool, all three of us and Caitlyn really likes you. She, er, she actually text me to ask." He shrugs again. "So, what do you think?"

"Yeah." You nod your head and smile. "Yeah, I can make it. It was pretty awesome playing with you guys." You purposefully bump into him. "I can't get over how good you are at the piano and Caitlyn is an amazing guitarist."

"Yeah, she's pretty amazing," he mumbles. You note a light blush and smile even more.

"She is." You'll resist teasing him for today. You've noticed the affection, the looks that pass between them.

You spot Amy looking at you from a distance. You shrug it off and try to ignore the way you react to her, the way every sense is focused on her, the way you know exactly when she walks over because you just cannot help but to notice everything about her.

You love how form fitting her top is, the way it accentuates the curves and dips she usually likes to keep hidden. And God what you wouldn't do to run your hands through her hair and across her skin. But you can't. So you shake the thoughts from your head and smile when she reaches you both.

"Hey, Amy," Oliver says.

"Hey guys." She awkwardly waves and you can't help the fond look that passes over your face, the way everything in you relaxes a little bit. You never noticed just how free she makes you feel. "How's it going?"

"I'm just walking Karma to class." She looks between you both and frowns, quickly, but long enough for you to notice. Her lips harden and you wonder what's wrong.

"Oh, that's cool."

"Yeah." You shrug. "We've just been hanging out lately."

"Ah, okay. So, anyways, I was thinking, we don't spend much time together lately so how about a movie night, tonight?" She smiles at you and bounces, lightly on her tip toes in excitement as she grabs your hands. "A girl's night, like old times." Now it's your turn to frown as you look between Amy and Oliver. Her excitement dies down and she lets go of your hands. "Or not, if you don't want to?"

"Aims, it's not that, it's just I've made plans now."

"N-No. It's okay. We can re-schedule and you can spend the night with Amy."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. We can hang out, some other time, right?"

"Right. Tell Caitlyn, I'm sorry, though." The crease in Amy's brow and the way she looks between you both, tells you she's confused.

"I will. Don't worry, Karms." She freezes and stands rigid when she notices he called you that. "We can jam anytime."

"You play for him?" The hard line of her mouth now dips down a little.

"Kinda." You shrug. "We just play around and I never do originals but Ol and Caitlyn are pretty amazing musicians." You reach for her hands and hold them. "Originals are just for you to hear, Princess." She smiles at you.

"Oh, I didn't know you wrote your own music."

"Yeah but like I said, only Aims gets to hear those." He smiles and laughs a little nervously.

"That's nice."

"Yup. So tonight, you're coming over to mine? Or?"

"Yeah, I'll come over to yours." You hook your arm in hers and kiss her cheek.

"Cool. I'll see you later, then. Text me, okay?" She nods.

The bell goes and you and Oliver head off to class.

"It really is okay for me to skip out on tonight, right?" He laughs.

"Of course, K-dog. Amy's you're best friend and we really can all get together and play around anytime. It's no big deal, just fun."

"Okay." You feel better after his reassurances. Even if it did bother Oliver, you would have still picked Amy but you're glad it doesn't.

—

You know something's bothering Amy as soon as she enters your room. If her quietness didn't give her away, then the way she wouldn't look you in the eye and the down turn of her lips would have done.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah." She sighs. "So you and Oliver, huh?" She flops down on your bed and buries her face in your covers.

"Yeah. Ol's a pretty cool guy when you get to know him."

"Oh, yeah, I guess he is," she mumbles and it takes you a few moments to figure out what she said.

It's silent for too long as you try and figure out what's really bothering her. You know her too well. She always hides herself from you when she doesn't want to talk.

"What's up, Aims?" She sits up and brings her knees to her chest.

"You two look close."

"We aren't really. We're just friends, y'know?"

"Just friends?"

"Just friends." You nod your head decisively, once for emphasis. "I realised after the whole Liam thing that I need more friends. And besides, I can't keep taking up all your time. I have to share you now with Reagan so…yeah. Me and Oliver are friends."

"Oh, but you know," she says, tracing patterns on your blanket. "You know all you have to do is say and I'll be here." So that's it. You move closer and hug her.

"I know, Aims, I know. But I don't want to get in the way of your relationship, that's why I don't text. You know I'd spend all day, every day with you if I could." You chuckle. "How could you forget? We're soul mates, right?" She smirks.

"I didn't forget, I thought you did."

"Never." You tackle her onto her back and begin tickling her. "Say you're sorry, Princess."

"No."

"Ha. You're going down."

"Nope. I'll never give in."

By the time she has tears in her eyes and is gasping for breath you smile in victory.

"Okay, okay. I give. I'm sorry. You win."

"I always win. Muhahaha."

"Karms, that laugh was terrible."

"Yup. But it made you smile."

"You always make me smile."

"You always make me smile." It goes silent, again but this time it's comfortable. You're climb off her and lay by her side, looking at the ceiling. "How's-how's Reagan?"

"She's good."

"Things are good between you two, right?"

"Yup."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"Hey, why don't we do something Saturday and invite her? I can invite Oliver and Caitlyn and we can group hang." You lean back and clap your hands in excitement. "It'll be awesome."

"I don't know. I mean—"

"C'mon, Princess. It'll be nice for us to all hangout, right? I mean, we're best friends so we should meet and spend time with each other's friends and girlfriends, right?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Okay." You sit with you knees bent beneath you and shrug. "Well, you can ask I guess but if you really don't want to come." You shrug, again. "I won't make you." She gasps.

"Who are you and what have you done with my Karma?" You push her arm and join in her laughter.

"Shut up, idiot."

"I'm your favourite idiot."

"You're my favourite everything." You know you shouldn't be saying all these things but you want her to know she's loved, she's needed, she matters. You won't ever try to take her away from Reagan, not again. Not when you know she can make Amy happy in ways you can't. "Love you."

"Love you, too. Now let's pick a movie." She gets up and walks around your room like it's her own.

You smile.

"I vote for the Notebook." She groans and rolls her eyes but you know she likes it. You wouldn't have chosen it if she didn't.

"Fine but only because if not, you'd pick something worse."

"Mhmm, that's why. Keep telling yourself that, Princess." She smirks.

"I will, shorty, I will." You lie on your front as she sits on the edge of the bed and loads the movie on your laptop. Before you know it, the screen is in front of you and she's jumped on top of you.

"Thanks for that, Aims."

"You're welcome." She doesn't get off you. She just adjusts herself so she's comfortable and her arms are around your neck. She kisses your cheek. "My comfy little pillow." You smile at her playfulness.

You've missed this.


	4. Chapter 3: Looking In

**Chapter 3: Looking In – Mariah Carey**

'_She smiles through a thousand tears_

_And harbours adolescent fears._

_She dreams of all_

_That she can never be._

_She wades in insecurity_

_And hides herself inside of me.'_

"Hey, Ol," you say as you find him in the hall. "What're you doing Saturday?" You both walk in the same direction, even though you don't know the destination.

"Saturday? Erm, I think I'm going to a party with Cait." He frowns in concentration for a few moments. "Yeah, this Saturday we're going to a party."

"Oh, okay." You smile at him and wonder what you'll do now.

"Why? You wanna come?"

"Oh. I just thought it'd be nice for us, Amy, Caitlyn and Reagan to hang out, y'know? But maybe we can do it another time or something?"

"Sure we can. Or-or you can all just join us?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Cait won't mind, like I said, she likes you." He shrugs. "And besides, we're friends. I've got your back, Karma." He wraps an arm around your shoulder and you wonder how much he knows.

"What?"

"I mean, you don't want to be around Amy and her girlfriend alone, do you? I just thought it'd be easier if you join us and then you can just leave, whenever. I mean, if you don't want that, it's fine. You don't have to come."

"Oliver," you say, getting his attention. "It's fine, I appreciate the offer. I don't want to be around them alone, no. So, Saturday is party time, hey?"

"Yup. Want me to come pick you up? I, er, I don't really drink and somebody has to make sure Caitlyn's home safe, y'know? I don't mind looking out for you, too." You smile and throw your arms around Oliver.

"You're the sweetest." He rolls his eyes and laughs lightly. You smile at the blush you notice staining his cheeks as he adjusts his glasses a little.

"You're welcome."

—

You thought the dreams had gone. That you were lucky to have peace of mind in sleep, what little you got of it but now you know you were wrong.

You see her above you, arms holding her body weight up off of you. Her breath on your skin sends shivers down your spine and goosebumps arise on your skin.

She kisses you. She kisses you everywhere and it's torturous because she won't touch.

"Not yet," she whispers in response to your pleas. "Not yet." And she just looks at you. Your laboured breathing fills the silence and you're pretty sure your heartbeat is loud enough, strong enough for her to hear. "God, you're so beautiful." She chastely kisses you again. On your lips, your chest, your stomach, she kisses you and finally, finally begins to touch.

Your skin burns wherever her flesh comes into contact with yours. You scream in agony and your throat feels as though you've swallowed glass.

"Karma, wake up."

You still see Amy above you, smiling as you wilt under her searing heat. Everything hurts, every nerve ending is sending pain through your body.

"Karma," your mother's voice screams again. You frown and wonder what she's doing here. "Karma, wake up."

You're shaking, uncontrollably. You feel someone touching you and it feels as though you've both opened and closed your eyes.

Your mother is above you, tears in her eyes that match yours.

"Sweet girl." She pulls you into her chest as you sob. Your throat feels raw. You feel raw. "It was just a dream. Shh." She rocks you both back and forward and runs her hand through your hair. "It's okay. It was just a dream." You tuck yourself under her chin and listen to her heartbeat as it lulls you into safety for a little while.

You can't remember the last time you had a nightmare and Amy wasn't there to comfort you.

You freeze with the realisation that for the first time, Amy now is your nightmare.

"Want me to stay with you, tonight?" your mother asks. You nod your head in response. You cannot speak, yet.

The day goes on and you're more tired than if you'd gotten no sleep at all. After the nightmare, you'd slept fitfully, fully aware of how messed up everything is, how messed up your life is.

You're now sitting on your bed, staring at your phone that's switched off. You've spent the day wanting to ring Amy but knowing you couldn't. This is your burden to bare and somehow, somehow you will get over it and let Amy have her happy ending with Reagan.

You're still no better by the time 8pm rolls around. It's Saturday and you've got to get ready for the party tonight. For a few moments, you burrow into Amy's green jumper that still smells of lavender and her, before getting ready.

You slowly turn the heat up in the shower and relive the burning sensations of your dream all over again. Your skin is red raw but you like the feeling. Now it's just physical and it makes you feel clean, refreshed, purged of all the guilt, all the wrong things you've ever done.

Before you know it, Oliver is escorting you into his car and towards the party. You cannot take your mind off of the dream, off of her and all her painful perfectness that you once could have had.

It's not long after you and Oliver manage to find a space standing against the wall, drinks in hand when you spot them walking in. They've only just entered and already you're burying your head in Ollie's shoulder, trying to shelter yourself from seeing them together. They're holding hands but even that makes you jealous. You remember all those times you got to do that and now you can't.

You know you can't keep doing this, can't keep reacting like this. You and Reagan will have to get a long for Amy's sake, for her happiness but it doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't stop the words that are seared in your throat from trying to get out.

It doesn't make loving her so much any better.

"Hey, hey, hey," Oliver says, pulling you tightly into his chest. You rest your head on his shoulder and close your eyes, trying to force back the tears. "It'll be okay, I've got you. If you need to leave, just say the word and I've got you." He pulls you even closer and for a moment, for a very brief moment you forget about the hurt, for a moment everything feels a little better. Better until you hear a not-so-subtle-cough from Amy.

"Hey, Karms." You pull away from Oliver and wipe your face. "What's up?" She frowns and moves closer, placing her arms on you and you shiver. "What's wrong?" You catch sight of Reagan rolling her eyes and take a breath, willing your voice to stay strong.

"Hey, guys." You pathetically wave in Reagan's direction. "Nothing's wrong. Just me getting over emotional over song lyrics again." Amy smirks, Reagan scoffs.

"Stupid, you know you shouldn't talk about music in public." She nudges your shoulder with her own. "Especially if I'm not here to cheer you up." She hugs you. "My emotional, girl." You note the tension flood into Reagan's body and the crease in her brow that gets deeper by the moment. You pull away.

"Hey, Reagan. How's it going?" You look her in the eye and forge a smile. She tries to give you one back but you're both aware how unconvincing it is. She looks around the room.

"It's going good. Hey, I'll be right back. I'll just go get me and Amy a drink. Do you guys want anything?" She looks and you and Oliver

"Nah, we're good," Oliver answers for you. Amy frowns. You frown as Reagan lets go of her hand and walks away, smiling. Reagan knows, she must know about how you feel and yet Amy cannot see it or chooses to ignore it. You hope it's not the latter.

"So…this is a nice party," Amy says, taking in the sight of girl after girl grinding and dancing with their male counterparts. The place smells so strong of alcohol, you can almost taste it and the smell of sweat doesn't make it any more bearable.

"It's pretty cool, y'know, as far as house parties go and…yeah." Oliver rubs the back of his neck and you can't help but be charmed by his shy personality. You smile at him. "Cait should be here soon." Amy frowns.

"She's a friend of mine and Oliver's. You'll like her." You spot Caitlyn walk through the door. The pink highlights in her hair act like a beacon to you and you honestly do think her and Amy will get along. Their attitudes and use of sarcasm tell you that. "Hey, she's there." Oliver waves her over.

"We'll just go get Cait a drink." His smile seems so much more sincere, it melts your heart a little.

It's just you and Amy, now. You look down and stand, shuffling from foot to foot next to Amy. She grabs your hand and nudges your shoulder.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just tired, y'know?"

"Then why are you here, stupid?" Your face softens and your smile becomes less indulgent and more sincere. You reach for her hand. You can't help but note how good she looks in the blue shirt and tight trousers she's wearing. Your hands are almost shaking with the need to touch her but you can't.

"To see you, idiot."

"Yeah, but—"

"Hey, here ya go," Reagan says, coming back and thrusting a red plastic cup between you both. You let go of Amy's hand and take a step back. You turn your head but still manage to catch a glimpse of the kiss Reagan supplies her with. Amy looks shocked for a few moments before responding.

"Thanks."

"Welcome, Shrimp girl."

"Well hello there, ladies," Caitlyn says, smoothly pulling your arm until you crash into her. She hugs you tight and you relax into it.

"Hey, you."

"So…Caitlyn, this is Reagan and Amy. Amy, Reagan, this is Caitlyn." Amy puts her hand out for Caitlyn to shake. You raise one eyebrow and smirk at the strangeness of your best friend.

"Well hey there. It's nice to meet you guys." She pulls Amy into a hug and touches Reagan's arm. "So you're the famous Amy, then?" Caitlyn quirks an eyebrow, sizing Amy up.

"I guess so." Amy shrugs and looks away.

"And you must be the girlfriend?" Reagan looks shocked for a few moments before nodding her head in agreement.

"Yup, this is the one and only Amy and yes, that's her girlfriend," you say. "How've you been, Cait?"

"Not too bad, not too bad. Being home-schooled sucks. There's so much work to do and no one to hang out with." She nudges Oliver's shoulder. He blushes and pushes his glasses up. "Anyways, let's go have a dance, Ol. It's time to party."

"N-no. It's okay. I mean, I'll stay with Karma." He shrugs. "And besides, you know I can't really dance." She shrugs. Oliver looks at you, apologetically. You know he's trying to help, trying to not leave you alone with them but you want him to have fun.

"So? Karma's got Amy and Reagan. And we won't be gone long. C'mon, Ol." You smile.

"Yeah, go on, Ol. Have some fun. Come find me a later and then I can get my dance on with you both, too."

"Ha. Shorty, you ain't got nothing on my moves but I'll be happy to let you join us and embarrass you with my skills." Oliver scoffs. Caitlyn winks at you and you can't stop the smile on your face if you tried.

Reagan is smirking, amused at the scene before her and you expect Amy to react the same. She doesn't. She frowns and looks down and you wonder what's wrong but don't voice the question. It's not your place to with her girlfriend around.

"Are you sure it's okay, Karms? I mean, I really don't mind staying with you, y'know? That's fine, too and I'll have fun." You unwind his arms and push him towards Caitlyn.

"I'm positive. Go have fun. I order you to have fun."

"Ay, ay, Captain." Caitlyn salutes. "Let's move." She holds Oliver's hand and pulls him towards an empty space for them to dance. You watch for a few minutes, watch Ollie's awkward two step that's slightly out of rhythm, watch the way Caitlyn moves her hips and smiles indulgently at him. She reaches for his hands and pulls him closer. You can see his blush from here.

"So," Amy says, snapping your attention away from the happy scene in front of you to the awkward one you're part of. "Shall we go sit down or something?" She tilts her head in the direction of a half empty sofa. There's a girl sitting on a guy's lap and you hope you're not stuck next to them. You know what will happen soon. Before you can answer, she pulls on both yours and Reagan's hands. Reagan's face goes blank and you're pretty sure that's not a good thing but you didn't encourage any of this, you didn't even agree to sitting down.

You catch Oliver's eyes. He grimaces but you smile encouragingly at him and Caitlyn, who's slightly frowning. You know you'll have to fill her in soon, just so she understands but you're not looking forward to it.

As soon as you all sit down – you thankfully, furthest away from the couple at the other end of the sofa – it quickly gets awkward and you quickly wish Amy never came up with this idea. Reagan has her arm around Amy's shoulders and keeps throwing you looks you can't decipher but you know they're not good. The look of anger and dislike in her eyes makes you squirm and makes Amy notice you even more.

You think it's ridiculous, what Reagan's doing. You know Amy isn't yours. Reagan has nothing to prove.

But then it hits you. She doesn't know that, she doesn't know that you've given up the fight. All she knows is that you're possessive and – from that look she gave you that night – you know, she knew how you felt about Amy before you did. She knew before anyone else and she didn't even know you.

You down your drink and grimace as it slides down and sears you throat.

"Hey, Aims." You try your best to smile and sell it the best you can. "Can you go get me a drink?" They both frown at your suggestion but you give her the 'I-look-like-a-lost-puppy' look and she gives in. Reagan looks annoyed and you understand why but this is for the greater good, this is for Amy so you'll endure it for her.

"Do you want anything?" she asks Reagan. You look away as Reagan pulls her down and kisses her. You remember what it was like the kiss her. The softness of her lips on your, the sweet taste of her on your lips.

You wish you didn't know.

"Nah, I think I'm good, now." Reagan smirks at you. You try to smile back and it throws Reagan off for a moment. You are more convincing than you realise.

"Okay. I'll be right back."

And you thought things were awkward before but it's nothing compared to now. Your skin almost crawls as the tension ratchets higher and higher. You're both sitting as far apart as you can and she's trying to ignore you but you know what you have to do. You're calling a truce now in the only way you know how and you hope she understands that. This is your last chance to make Amy happy and by God, you're going to succeed.

"Hey. So…I never did say sorry about that night."

"No, you didn't."

"So, I guess…I mean…I'm sorry and." You grab your bag and begin looking through it. "Gotcha. And, here." You hand over an epi-pen. You hope she understands why you're doing this.

"Er-why?" She shakes her head. "I mean-I mean, thanks, Karma but shouldn't you keep this? Amy gave it to you for a reason, right…so?" She frowns but something tells you that for once, she's not angry at you.

"No. I don't eat peanut butter and after an accident once, my parents label everything in the house that Amy can't eat so we never have to worry, know? And we never eat out together anymore so…you should have it." You look around the room, anywhere but at Reagan. Something inside of your shifts and you feel too vulnerable to show her, to let her see that she wins. "Y'know, just in case. I mean, you're her girlfriend an all, right." You shrug. "So it makes sense, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess." She smiles. She's never smiled sincerely at you before and you see how different she looks, how pretty she is when she does.

"Yeah. So…apology accepted?" You look sheepish. She nods decisively once.

"Yeah, sure." She plays with the epi-pen, rolling it between her fingers and takes a deep breath. "I mean, I know I get jealous but you guys are so close and I mean, you fucking pretended to be girlfriends. It's just hard not to get jealous.

"I know. I get it but we're best friends, y'know? We're going to spend time together but." You shrug and look away. "But you don't have to be jealous. Amy really likes you and I just want her to be happy."

"I do, too."

"So it's settled, right? We're good, yeah?"

"As good as we can be, Queenie."

"Cool. So, I'm gonna go." You point vaguely behind you. "I'm gonna go find Oliver. He's taking me home and I've got to get in that dance remember." You both laugh and it doesn't sound believable to either of you.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay. I mean, Amy's getting you a drink and wasn't the point that we spend time together?"

"No. It's okay. Look after her though, right? I mean, we both know this isn't her scene and she'll probably get herself into trouble." She laughs. "And we can get to know each other another time." You take a deep breath and try to stop the lump in your throat from choking you.

"I'll look after Shrimp girl, don't worry 'bout that."

"Okay. Well, I'll see ya around." You wave and she does so back.

"See ya and Karma?" You turn to face her. "Thank you. I get it and thanks. I'm sorry 'bout that night, too. I was a bit of jerk but like I said, I'm a little possessive, sometimes."

"It's okay. No hard feelings or something." You shrug. "Bye." You walk away and begin searching for Oliver. He finds you first.

"Hey, Karms. I've just been looking for you."

"Yeah, well here I am." You open your arms to make your point and feel the tears begin to fall. Your voice cracks as you try to speak. "Hey, Ol, can we-can we go home?" He doesn't respond, just pulls you to him and begins walking you out towards his car.

"I'll just text Cait and see if she's coming with us." You wipe your face.

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, hey, hey. None of that. C'mere." He pulls you close and you hold on as if your life depended on it. You can't let anything else go, yet.

The lump in your throat gets bigger and the urge to hurt comes back in full force. You know what you did was right, you know you have to let some parts of her go but now you feel emptier than ever before, now you feel like something's missing and it is. Your soul mate is gone and what's worse, you know she's happy without you. You can never have her back like you did when you were just pretending, you can never love her like you want to, so badly.

You drop to your knees and Oliver does his best to cushion your fall.

"Hey, what's going on," you hear Caitlyn say. "Hey, what's wrong with Karma." You feel her come behind you and wrap her arms around you. You're sandwiched between two of your friends and yet you've never felt more alone because you don't have her. Oliver rests his chin on your head before he speaks.

"I'll explain later but we need to get her out of here and home."

They help lift and guide you towards the backseat of Oliver's car. You try to help but feel so weak and drained. You don't understand why it hurts so bad, why you feel so lost. All you can see is Amy and Reagan living life happily together and you can't even be angry at them for it. You have no one but yourself to blame for everything that happened.

Caitlyn sits beside you and strokes you hair as you cry into her shoulder. She smells warm, safe, like cinnamon at Christmas on a cold winter's day but it's not enough to comfort you, she doesn't smell like home.

Oliver and Caitlyn sit in silence and all that can be heard is your sobbing and music. You cry until you can't breathe. Tears blind you. Your heartbeat becomes an earthquake, shattering everything inside of you until it all fades to black and you can't even hear Oliver's radio anymore.

You're alone.

You're alone. The thought reverberates through your brain as you regain consciousness. You don't know what happened. One minute you're crying, the next, oxygen feels like it's trapped in your throat and can't reach your lungs, your blood feels like it's rushing through your veins too fast, your head feels empty and full at the same time and then there's nothing.

You look over and spot someone lying next to you. You frown and turn on the light next to your bed. You squint and your eyes begin to water as the light floods your vision.

Caitlyn lies, curled tightly on the opposite side of your bed. She's burrowed under a pile of blankets and her face looks so peaceful, so young as she lies there, her blonde hair framing her and making her look angelic.

You frown as the cliché thoughts running through your mind and shake your head. That's when you notice, notice how your head is pounding and your throat is dry. Your lips feel like they'll crack if they move them. Your skin feels sticky, sweaty and you wish you had the energy to get in the shower.

You swing your legs over and nearly fall as you stumble to lean against a wall. Your legs feel like wet paper as you try to take a step. You spot Oliver on the floor and watch him awake from his slumber.

You must have made too much noise.

You vaguely remember waking up as Oliver lifted you up the stairs to the tune of your Caitlyn's frightened whispers but otherwise, you don't know what happened.

Your breathing is heavy and tiredness settles over you in full force. You wish more than anything that you could sleep for more than a few hours, again but you're scared to dream. Even the good ones, if they involve her become bad and leave an ache that goes deeper than flesh and bones.

"Hey, are you okay? You should get back in bed." Oliver says, walking towards you. You nod your head and try to lean on the wall a little less.

"Water," you croak out.

"Okay. I'll get you some but let's get you into bed."

"Thanks."

"No worries." He guides you, arm around his shoulders, to your bed "I'll be right back, okay?" You nod as he tucks you in. Caitlyn still rests easily on the left side of your bed.

Before you know it, you're downing a glass of water that Oliver gave you. The coldness settles in your bones and wakes you up a little. You register that thought again.

You're alone.

The realisation knocks the air out of your lungs. Who are you without her? It's been the two of you for as long as you can remember, you're soul mates but now a part of her is missing, a part of you is missing and now nothing makes sense.

"How're you feeling?"

"Tired."

"Yeah, of course." It's silent for a few moments before he asks: "what-what happened?" You burrow your head into your pillow. He leans over you, sitting on the edge of your bed and rubbing your back.

"I don't know." You shrug and face him. "I guess-I mean…I've just got to move on but it's so hard, y'know?"

"I know."

"And I don't know what to do. I had my chance and blew it but I didn't know. I didn't know how I felt. I didn't." You're frantic now. "How could I have known? Why didn't I know? I'm so stupid."

"Hey, hey. I know, I know. It's going to be okay. It will, I promise." He leans down and holds you as you cry for the umpteenth time. "Shh. It'll all be okay. I've got you. I mean, I know it hasn't been long but we're real good friends now, right Karms?" You nod your head in agreement. "And you know good friends are always there for each other. I'm not going anywhere," he whispers into your hair and for a few moments, nothing but both of your breathing can be heard.

"Thank you. I just-thank you," you say once you calm down.

"You don't have to thank me. Just know I'm there if you need me, okay? You should get some sleep now. Everything's better with a little sleep." You doubt him but at least he's trying, at least he's hair whilst Amy is probably fucking Reagan. You groan into your pillow and try to banish the images invading your mind.

"Can you-can you lie with me? I mean, you don't have to if it's weird or you don't want to but…yeah?"

"Oh. Of course, of course. Whatever you need." Even though it's dark, you can imagine the blush flooding his face and you feel a little bit at ease. You like the predictability of Oliver, the way you know him so easily, even though it hasn't been long since you officially met.

You pull back the covers and he climbs over, sliding in the middle and laying on his back, arms resting on his stomach as he awkwardly looks at the ceiling. You pull the covers over you and turn around, staring into the darkness that's always there, now.

"Thanks, Ol. You're the best," you whisper.

"I am, aren't I?" You laugh and turn around, resting your head on his chest. His arms stay where they are and you feel how tense his body is.

"I'm sorry, too, Ol."

"What for?"

"Ruining your night. I know you and Cait where having a good time. You hear his heartbeat increase. "I'm just…sorry."

"You don't need to be. It's fine. We hang out all the time." You sigh.

"Yeah, but tonight you were making progress and I just-I just got in the way." His heartbeat it at full throttle now and you feel him fidget against you.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not stupid, Ol. I know you like her but I won't say anything. I'm just sorry I ruined it, that's all. You're the best guy a girl could ask for. Caitlyn's really lucky, y'know?"

"Hey, be careful there, Karms. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were hitting on me." You scoff.

"Sorry, dude. You're not my type. You're not blonde enough and sarcastic enough for me."

"But I am sexy, right?" You laugh and pat his chest.

"You really are the best."

"I know, I know. Now sleep, you're exhausted."

"Okay. G'night."

"Good night. Sweet dreams, Karms, sweet dreams." You hear him yawn and exhaustion settles over you.

You don't know if it's because you're just that tired, Oliver being here or a combination of the two but you awake, refreshed and not a bad dream in sight. You didn't dream of her loving and touching and pleasing you, you didn't dream of her hurting and hating and punishing you. There was just blackness and emptiness and it feels so good, so refreshing to you.

You really need to get over it, get over her and start living your life. You've got new friends to help, you're beginning to let her go, you have to move on.

You check your phone. It's 11:43am and you notice a text from Amy, sent at 4:13am and frown. Surely she must have been sleeping or otherwise occupied by then.

You glance over and frown as you notice Oliver and Cait aren't in the room. You decide to quickly read Amy's text before going to find them:

Hey, shorty. I spoke to Reagan about what happened last night. You didn't even say bye I'm glad you're trying to get along but we need to talk. I'll see you later today, okay?

Love you. XX

You don't know how to respond to her so you don't, instead you send a text to Liam, the guy you fucked and forgot. You know it was a jerk move but he would have done the same so you don't mind. You send a quick 'I'm sorry' before getting up. Just as you reach the door, Oliver walks in, tray in hand.

"Breakfast in bed, milady." Cait follows behind and smiles at you. You wonder if they've spoken, if he told her and now she knows. You both hope he did and he didn't.

"Okay, now I'm really serious. How lucky can a girl get?" He sets the tray down next to you. You feel like you've just won the best big brother in the world. "I mean it, y'know, I really do appreciate you and all you've done for me." He shrugs and looks away but you reach out to hug him. You catch Cait frowning slightly before she wipes the expression away. You smirk.

"Er, thanks, Karms. I just-I mean, we just wanted to make you feel better, y'know?"

"Yeah." Cait shrugs. "And if you need to talk or anything, we're here. I mean, I know I don't know what's going on and I don't go to Hester but…I'm here-we're here." You smile and will back the tears. You really need to stop crying so much.

"You guys want some?" You hold your fork out with a slice of fruit on it.

"Nah, we're good. Ol cooked us something. We're full." She flops down on your bed, arms outstretched.

"Oh, cool. Thanks guys, you're awesome."

"No worries, short stack," Cait says and Oliver sits precariously on the edge of your bed, smiling.

"Hey, I am not short."

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are too." You place your food aside and hit him with a pillow.

"Are not."

"Hey, sorry to interrupt," your mother says, poking her head into the room. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"And who are these lovely people?"

"Oh, this is Oliver and Cait. I go to school with them."

"Oh, okay. Well, I'll leave you guys alone. See you later. Love you, baby." You hide your face and try to repress the blush that's working its way across your face.

Oliver and Caitlyn laugh and that's how you spend your day, eating, laughing and joking alongside Ol and Cait. You don't even realise how much time has passed until you hear Amy walk into your room.

When she sees Oliver and Cait, she freezes momentarily but you notice.

"Hey, guys," she says.

"Hey." Oliver checks his watch. "I think it's time we head home." He hugs you and Cait does, too.

"Yeah, we'll text you later. Call either of us if you need someone." She kisses your cheek, you hug back a little tighter.

"Thanks for everything, guys. I'll see you later."

"Bye." Amy says and lifts her hand as if to wave. They smile and wave back before the room is silent.

"So—"

"So, we-we need to talk?" you say.

"Yeah. But first, I brought this back." She hands you her epi-pen. You frown.

"Why?"

"Because I gave it to you, not Reagan and I like knowing you have it." She shrugs. "You'll always be there if I need it, anyways, you always are." You smile.

"I just thought."

"No, you kinda didn't. If I wanted Reagan to have one, I'd have given her one, stupid. Now c'mere." She opens her arms for you and you don't hesitate. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you." It's a while before you both separate. You're so confused over your friendship. Was it always like this? How could you have not known how you felt if it always was? "How was the party?" You turn away and begin getting your things together to shower.

"It was alright," she shrugs. "but you left so it was kinda no fun pointing out stupid things about people. Even Reagan looked a little confused."

"She did?"

"Yeah."

"I was just exhausted."

"Oh, okay." She sits on your bed and you sit next to her.

"Yeah."

"You know I'm here, too, right?" You look over to her.

"I know but you've been busy and I've just been tired and stuff. You know me, I'm always okay."

"We both know that's not true, idiot. You're like a toddler when you're tired or upset. And you know you're more important that Reagan, right? I mean, you're my best friend so that makes you special. Well, to me it does." She shrugs. You frown.

"You're my best friend, you're special to me, too. I mean, I know I've been an idiot with Liam but you're still special."

"Yeah, sorry." She traces patterns on your blanket. "Just doesn't feel like it sometimes." You place the things in your hands down, walk to the top of your bed and get a pillow before throwing it at her, and hitting her in the head.

"You're such so stupid sometimes." You roll your eyes and cross your arms in front of your chest. She looks at you, brow furrowed. "I picked you, even when you were being a jerk and ignoring me."

"And I picked you," she shouts back as loud as she does. "Even now, when you're ignoring my texts, I'm still here picking you."

"I got distracted, that's all." She scoffs.

"Distracted by Oliver, your new man of the week." You laugh in disbelief. It's loud, booming and comes from deep within your abdomen.

"Oliver? Are you serious right now? And I thought you were supposed to be the smart one." You shake your head. "Just for your information, I don't fuck every guy I see. You don't know the half of it. And we're supposed to be best friends, right?" You swallow down the lump building in your throat. "I think you should go."

"Karms, I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"

"No. Just go. Go pick Reagan and leave me alone." You begin to walk away before she grabs your wrist. You pull away and stand in front of her, arms crossed.

"Karma, c'mon. I'm sorry. It's just, we hardly spend time together and all this stuff's going on with you but you won't tell me and I'm scared." You frown. "I'm scared because we don't talk and a guy came between us. I mean, we're getting past it but what if I lose you? I need you in my life but it feels like all we do is spend time apart or argue." She deflates. "I just miss how it used to be, before I messed it all up." Your face hardens and your body tenses at that last sentence. You want to scream but instead, grit your teeth.

"You didn't mess anything up." Something akin to a growl comes from you. "I'm not making your feelings an issue, you are."

"Yeah, because unlike you, I can't just ignore them." It hurts. It hurts that she has no idea just how much you can't ignore them. "I can't pretend like I'm not in love with you. I may not cry at stupid movies and song lyrics but I hurt." She hits her chest to make her point and you notice the tears coming from her eyes.

You can't stand it when she cries and lately, it's always because of you. Lately, you've seen her cry more times in a few months than the rest of your friendship combined.

You want to hold her, hug her, make everything better but you're too raw, everything's too much so you don't.

"Yeah, well so do I. You're not the only one." She scoffs and you see the anger re-ignite inside of her.

"And the world doesn't revolve around poor little Karma, y'know?" she spits at you. "I'm so sick and tired of you thinking you have it any worse than the rest of us. We hurt and cry, too. We want to fit in. You're not so special." You take a few steps back and look at her, look at what you've done to your best friend. She looks feral, sneering in anger at you. There's no more tears, she's hardened herself to them, to you now.

You don't say anything, just turn and pick up your things for a shower. She doesn't chase after you this time, not like she used to and you didn't expect her to. Not now.

You burn. Your skin is red raw and it hurts but you can't turn the temperature down now. Your arms and forehead rest against the wall as you let the scalding water run down your back. You wonder how this happened, how your friendship, the best one in your life managed to get so damaged, how you managed to break your best friend. That's how you know, that's how you know that you should leave her alone, you should stop hurting her and let her live her life.

You cry. You cry and it comes from a place deeper than you've ever known. If you hadn't have realised, if you didn't love her like you do, everything would be okay. How can you both love each other so much and it ruin everything?

When your skin feels sore, when every drop of water feels like a needle stuck in your skin, you get out of the shower and head towards your room.

You know she won't be there but it still hurts when you walk into an empty room. Is this it? Is this how it'll end? You sit on the bed and look blindly ahead of you. There's a note beside you but you can't bring yourself to read it. You can't bring yourself to think that all those years, all those times you were there for each other will be over.

You see her. You see her seven year old self, curled up on her sofa watching cartoon whilst she was ill. You skipped school that day and found the spare door key to sneak in and cheer her up. Both your parents were furious when they found out (it didn't take ten minutes for you to be discovered) but it was worth it to see her sick face light up in a smile. And even though you caught her illness, too, it was worth it.

She's always been worth it.

You take a deep breath before picking up the note. The paper shakes along with your hands and you will your eyes not to close, you will your eyes to take in the words and process them. If this is the end, you'll accept it. For her happiness, you'll accept it.

Friday night, I'll be here. We need to talk. Keep this weekend free.

Amy

You take a deep breath and place the note in your drawer, in your drawer where you keep important things that remind you of her. If this weekend is the end, you'll catalogue every memory, even the bad ones and cherish them.

**A/N:**

**Sorry this chapter is so long. Well, not really, only if it annoys you. I know it's much more 'angsty' than the previous version but Karmy will happen in the future, we just need to get through the ups and downs of that, first. **

**Also, let me know if you prefer the new or old version of this story! If most people prefer the old one, I guess I could stop working on this new version (though I do like it better, myself). **

**I hope you enjoyed reading. If you didn't, I am sorry! I really am! **

**A**

**P.S. if you have Tumblr, let me know. I need more Karmy on my dash!**


	5. Chapter 4: I Get Lonely

**Chapter 4: I Get Lonely – Janet Jackson**

'_Sittin' here with my tears._

_All alone with my fears._

_I'm wonderin' if I have to do without you_

_But there's no reason why._

_I fell asleep late last night._

_Cryin' like a newborn child._

_Holdin' myself close, pretendin' my arms are yours._

_I want no one but you._

It's Tuesday and you're sitting with Oliver at lunch. Amy and Reagan are not far and you wonder why they haven't joined you but you don't say a thing, you don't go over to them. In fact, you try to forget that they're there, you try to forget that Reagan has her fingers intertwined with Amy's and that her lips, occasionally get to kiss Amy's soft, tender flesh. You try to forget that you and Amy could be over, this could be it.

Amy, Amy, Amy. Amy that looks so good in that jumper you once picked out for her. Amy that you want to be here with you instead. Amy that's looking at you right now, smile on her lips and sadness in her eyes.

You turn away and focus on Oliver. He smiles at you before he spots something behind you and smiles even bigger.

"Cait's here." Your brow creases and you turn around. You wave.

"Hey, bitches," she says, as soon as she's within talking distance. You smirk.

"Bitches? We are not your bitches, you're both mine," you say.

"Ha. Alright, shorty. Hey, Ol." She throws an arm around your shoulder before walking around the table and sitting next to Oliver.

"Hey."

"So, what're you doing here?"

"Studying was so boring. I wanted to have a little fun and what better way than with you two? Besides, it's a nice day, right?"

"I wonder if anyone cares how many people just walk in here?" Oliver questions, frown in place.

"Nah, this is Hester. Hester, the place where no one gives a shit." Caitlyn gasps.

"Red. I feel like I'm a bad influence. Look at the language on you, lately."

"Nah, that's Amy's influence more than yours. I'm surprised Karma isn't Princess Sarcasm, already. Next to Queen Sarcasm over there." He nods, blushing a little at the smirks on yours and Caitlyn's faces.

"Princess Sarcasm?" You laugh, fondly remembering _that_ moment. "That's definitely not me." The look on your face puts frowns on both of theirs. You shake it off and beginning digging into your whole grain, hummus and salad sandwich, courtesy of your mother. You moan. "So good."

"Mhmm, sounds like it." Oliver blushes and Caitlyn quirks an eyebrow. "I almost want to take a bite." You laugh.

"Come and get some." You shimmy your shoulders and watch as she walks over and does, indeed, take a bite. You gasp. "I cannot believe you just did that. Nobody steals my food." You lean away and continue eating.

"Mmm, you're were right. That is one good thing to eat." She winks and you both burst out laughing. Oliver smiles and hides his blush. You smirk and wonder how he'd react if you and Cait subtly flirted with him. "So, who's going to fill me in on what's going on?" She nudges your arm.

"I-I think it's up to Karma. I mean, I think it's up to Karma if she wants to tell you."

"I-I er, it's hard to talk about." You look away and suddenly, your food doesn't taste so good. "I mean, can we talk about it later? School is the best place for this, y'know?" She looks at you, she just looks at you for a few moments.

"Okay. I mean, you don't have to tell me." She looks down at the table and you place your arm on her shoulder and squeeze, placing your forehead on the side of hers. She shrugs and you see a little bit of Oliver in her in that moment. "I just want to help."

"I know, I know. How about tonight, we come around and I'll explain and then you guys can cheer me up with movies and ice cream?"

"Sounds good, Karms."

"Yeah, sounds good, shorty." You smile at the both and hope you can get this all over with quickly. You don't want to talk about it but maybe Caitlyn can help. Maybe between you, Oliver and Caitlyn, you could get over it, get over her.

The bell for class goes. You turn and begin picking up your stuff. You notice Amy standing there watching you. The slight down turn of her lips and the way her eyes glisten a little too much twists something in your chest.

You muster up a smile, swallow your pride, your insecurities and mouth 'I love you' to her.

She smiles and you feel a little better.

Maybe you can fix this.

That's how you find yourself later, stuck in between Caitlyn and Oliver on Cait's sofa. You wonder why you're in the middle and feel a little out of place but they both quickly make you feel comfortable enough to brush the feelings aside. It's not long before things take a serious turn, though.

"So, you good, Karma?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm, er, I'm a lot better that I have been lately, at least." You shrug. "Well, kind of."

"Kind of?"

"Me and Amy had another fight." You shrug again. "But I think, I think it'll be fine but we're spending the weekend together, I think. I don't really know what's going on." You sit looking straight ahead and playing with your fingers.

"Oh."

"I'm sure you guys will be fine. I mean, you've survived this long and through everything." Oliver throws an arm over your shoulder and so does Cait. "It'll be fine. And Karms, you don't have to tell us anything you don't want to. Right, Cait?"

"Right. But I'm all ears if you need it."

"I know, I know." You feel tense. You want to tell her, to offload to someone and stop burdening Oliver but you're scared. How can you tell her when the words are seared into your throat and your voice can't clear them away? You try to take a deep breath but it doesn't feel like enough oxygen.

"Hey, hey, hey." She tightens her hold on you. "You really don't have to say anything you don't want to. Just promise you'll call if you need or something, right? And even if you don't need something, call anyway." You smile.

"Thanks, guys. Shall we put a movie on or something?"

"Sure. What's your poison of choice?"

"I always pick. How about you and Ollie pick something?" They scoff.

"Because he has bad taste in movies," she says at the same time as Oliver says:

"Because she picks worse movies than you." You smile at their synchronicity and think that they'd be perfect for one another.

"Twilight, New Moon it is," she shouts and you don't need to look at Oliver to know he's rolling his eyes. You smirk.

"You're both lucky I like you enough to watch this." He pauses. "Again."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." She gets up and pops the movie in. She jumps in the middle of you, landing on you both slightly. You scooch over and she settles, snugly in between you both. "I know I'm pretty amazing. Why wouldn't you both love me?" She kisses both your cheeks, sloppily and you cringe, wiping your face.

"Ew. Get your germs away from me." She swats your arm.

"Hey. I'm a perfectly healthy specimen, thank you very much."

"Whatever," Oliver says.

"Shh, movies on and I gotta check me out some Vamp and werewolf." You smile. This is just what you need: time away, time to forget and breathe and even though it's not the same – watching this movie without Amy's sarcastic responses and scoffs of laughter – it still makes you feel better.

The week passes in a similar manner. You spend lunches with Oliver and sometimes Cait and you spend your day sneaking glances at Amy. Sometimes you catch her looking at you before she looks away, sometimes you catch her looking with a soft smile on her lips. A smile you return, equally as tentative.

Instead of sitting with you, she has Shane and his friends, sometimes Reagan, too. You wonder what's happening, why you don't spend time together, don't sit together. What happened to your friendship?

You don't understand why you're not really talking, either. You fought, yes but the shy glances and smiles tell you she's not angry with you.

You find yourself on the sidewalk outside your house on Thursday evening, sitting next to Caitlyn and spilling some of your heart to her. You need someone to tell you that things are fine and you know she wouldn't lie to you, not even to make you feel better.

"I-I'm in love with her." Caitlyn's head swivels in your direction as soon as the words leave you lips. Her eyes, usually so dark and hard soften a little. It had been quiet and you didn't mean to blurt the confession out but the words have been burning inside of you and you just want to scream it at everyone. You pull your knees closer to your chest and rest your head against them.

"Who?"

"Amy," you whisper.

"I thought so." She wraps an arm around your shoulder. "But she's with Reagan." You nod your head. "It'll be okay. If you're supposed to be together, it'll work out." She rests her chin on your head and you begin to cry into her shoulder. She rubs your back and doesn't say a word, doesn't tell you not to cry, that'll it be okay, that you can get over this. She just lets you be. Sobs come from deep within your bones and everything insides you cries. "God. You love her so much and you're so lucky, y'know?" You shrug. "You get to love so strong, so much and I know it hurts but it feels good, sometimes, too, doesn't it?" You nod your head and begin to compose yourself.

"She-she said she loved me, once. And I-I said I didn't love, didn't love her like that but I, I did. I just didn't know." She hugs you close, again. "I just didn't know."

"It's not your fault. You can't help who you love, shorty."

"I know, I know. I just want to stop-to stop hurting her."

"You'll get through it. Ol's told me about you both and I've seen you together at that house party. You two adore each other, you'll get through it. And hey, I don't think she's stopped loving you."

"Don't say that."

"It's the truth. You don't just turn your feelings off. She loves you but for now, she's with Reagan and who knows? Maybe now she'll realise how incomparable Reagan is to you. You're pretty amazing, y'know?"

"So are-so are you." She laughs and you feel it soothe you.

"So hey, Karms, is it cool to mess with this Reagan chick? Looks like she can have a temper on her and it'll be fun to mess with her." You laugh and shake your head.

"No. Thanks for wanting to help but it's not a good idea."

"Aw. Don't ruin my fun."

"Aw." You lean back and pinch her cheeks. "I'm sure you'll find another way to have fun."

"Okay, spoil sport." She stands up and dusts her knees. She offers you a hand and helps you up. "C'mon, it's getting cold and I'm hungry. Let's go." She pats you on the butt and you smile. You hold her hand.

"Veggie pizza, here we come." She groans.

"Pizza needs meat."

"And I need you to cheer up so c'mon, blondie."

"Alright, shorty but at least let me have extra cheese?" You pretend to think about it for a moment.

"Fine." As if you'd need to be convinced to have more cheese on your pizza.

You reach the door and Caitlyn hugs you and wipes the tear tracks from your face.

"Whatever happens, it'll be okay. We'll get you through it, I promise." She kisses your cheek and you smile.

You smile less convincingly the next day when Amy is standing in the door way to your room, stepping from foot to foot and looking at you.

"Hey," you say, breaking the awkward silence.

"Hi." She raises an arm in a wave and you quirk an eyebrow and frown. "I'm, er, I'm—" She looks down at her feet before looking you in the eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Me too, I guess. I mean, I am. I'm sorry, too."

"I know." A small smile breaks out on her face and you replicate it. She sits next to you. "I just miss you and everyone else gets to spend time with you but your mine." Your ribs become a punch bag and your heart the fists. "You're my best friend." And you are. That's your certainty. For as long as you live, she'll be your best friend and you'd do anything from her, even if she hated you.

"I'm sorry." You shrug. "I just-I just have to share you so I spend time with people. And I know I can text you whenever I want to but-but I don't want to ruin things for you." You sigh. "I mean, Reagan and me don't exactly get on well so…yeah."

"I know but this weekend is ours, right? So am I forgiven? Can we just have fun and can we just be like we used to?"

"I'll forgive you if you forgive me?" She smiles and hugs you. You bury your head into her neck and breathe her in. Everything in you exhales into comfort. She kisses your forehead and picks up a magazine from the side. You watch her as she flicks through it and scoffs. The lighting hits her face and you'd give anything to run your lips, your tongue across her neck, her collarbones that peek out and taste her. God, what you wouldn't do to taste and love and cherish her.

"Why do you read these? They're so stupid." You shake the thoughts of her off and feel guilt build inside of you. You shrug and move to lie on your stomach. Amy copies and settles next to you, still flicking through the magazine.

"I just like to know what's going on, y'know?"

"That's stupid. You dress and look better than all of the people in here." You feel butterflies in your stomach and try to hide the blush making its way across your face. She nudges your arm with her own before throwing the magazine on the floor. "Let's watch Tom and Jerry."

"Okay, Tweety." She squints her eyes at you. You laugh. She's always hated that nickname. "Aw, you're just so cute and blonde." You squeeze her cheeks. "Look at that ickle face." You pout your lips at her and see her trying not to laugh. She squirms away from your pinching fingers and holds your wrists.

"Stop it, Sylvester. I'm not afraid to get you back."

"Yeah, yeah. You wish, princess." You try to get free but she keeps a hold of you and laughs for a few moments before she lets go.

"Mhmm. C'mon, Velma, put the DVD in." You gasp.

"Velma? Velma? Excuse me. We both know I'm Daphne and you're Velma."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. TV time." You go to the TV and place the DVD you got just for her in.

"God. We haven't watched this in ages." You sigh and remember all those times as kids when you'd watch it, especially when Amy was sick and needed cheering up. You frown and turn around. "You okay, Aims?"

"I'm great. I've got Tom and Jerry to watch and you here to watch it with." She smiles. "And we're okay." She nods her head once. You're not sure if she's right and the way her smile doesn't look real tells you she isn't sure either.

"Of course." She smiles much more sincerely and lightly punches your arm.

"So, c'mon, stupid. Let's watch cartoons."

You sit and laugh and it feels like old times, back when it was just you two, back when everything was fine.

"Aw. Jerry is such a jerk," you say.

"Yeah but he's a clever, jerk, right?" You roll your eyes.

"Poor Tom. Jerry's almost as bad as you." She gasps.

"I am not bad. Look at this sexy-sexy senorita of a body. I'm like Jessica Rabbit meets Marilyn Monroe" She waves her hand in an exaggerated manner across her body. "How could this ever be bad?" You double over with laughter and almost have tears in your eyes before you calm down.

"Jerry's sexier, just saying." She pushes you and you fall off the bed. You stand up and get a pillow but she's quicker and before you know it, something soft hits you in the head. "You did not."

"I did."

It's when Amy falls off your bed and hits her head that you both calm down and sit on the bed watching the show. It's five or six episodes later and you're both getting ready to sleep.

"Are you sure you're okay? I mean, there is a nasty bump."

"I'm fine, Karms. I've been fine for the past couple of hours."

"Promise?"

"I promise, sunshine. I'll even pinky promise if it makes you feel better?"

"Okay." You pinky promise and she smiles softly at you, dimples drawing your attention and eyes wide and bright. You've missed her.

You both lie down, you on the left side like always. It's not long before you're drifting off and you're pretty certain Amy has already, if the snuggling against you is anything to go by. She's always been like this. Always wanted to be held when she's tired and near you.

You wonder if Reagan knows this side of her before shaking the thought away and sighing.

You hear your phone vibrate and check it, noticing you've gotten a text from Oliver asking if you're alright. You tell him you're fine. You lie back down and turn to face Amy. You see how serene, how peaceful she looks at it melts your heart. You love seeing this side of her.

"Sweet dreams," you whisper and kiss her forehead, running a hand through her soft hair. You feel her arm find its way around your waist and her head rest on your chest.

"G'night, my love." Your heart doesn't speed up, it slows down like those words were the perfect lullaby for you.

You drift, easily, off to sleep and there's no dreams, no nightmares, just peaceful blackness that blankets your sleep in softness.

You have two favourite smells: one, the husky lavender scent that emanates from Amy and two, the smell of freshly made pancakes. When you smell both, you knows it's going to be a good day.

Today is a good day.

You awake to Amy stumbling in the room with pancakes. You love being awoken to food, especially when Amy has made it for you.

"Ta-da," she says, placing the plate down on your lap as you sit cross legged under the blankets. "Breakfast in bed. Scooch over." She pushes your legs until you move from her side of the bed to yours. She picks up the cutlery and begins cutting into the pancakes before stealing some.

"Hey." You slap away her hands. "They're mine."

"No, they're ours, stupid. Now stop complaining and eat." She always has liked sharing food with you. You always have liked sharing food with her, even if she eats most of it.

"Fine. But don't ever say I don't love you. I'm letting you have some of my pancakes."

"Pancakes I made."

"Exactly. You make the best. Why would I share with anyone?" You stuff another mouthful in.

"'Cause you love me."

"Somebody has to." She nudges your shoulder with her own. "So what's the plan?"

"We're going somewhere."

"Where?"

"A surprise."

"Amy." She looks at you, brows raised, eyes wide and mouth full with your pancakes. "Tell me." She shakes her head and swallows.

"Nope. You'll just have to wait."

"Please."

"Nope. This is payback for the Tweety comment."

"Aw. But you're just so cute." You squeeze her cheeks and she squirms away.

"Every time. Do you really have to do that, every time?"

"Yep." You smile.

"You're so lucky I like you."

"Like? Who're you tryn'a fool. You don't like me, you love me." You guide the fork she's just filled with pancakes towards your mouth and eat. "God. These are so good."

"I cannot believe you just did that."

"Did what?"

"Stole my pancakes."

"They're not yours, you made them for me."

"Yeah, but—"

"You need to make more, next time." You glance down at the near empty plate and pout. "They're nearly all gone and you ate most of them." She smiles sheepishly.

"Sorry."

"It's okay. You can make it up to me by telling me where we're going?"

"Not happening, short stuff. Not happening."

"Princess," you moan. She clears the plate of every crumb and you roll your eyes. Something's about her will never change.

"No. Wait and see." You pout but she turns and walks out of the room before it can take effect.

—

You're walking hand in hand down the street. It doesn't take long to figure out where you're going. It's the park, the park you and Amy used to hang out at when you were younger, the park where some of your best memories are, the park you haven't been to in so long. The walk is silent and everything feels simple again. You swing your arms and it feels as though you're 10 years old again and walking here for a day out with your best friend.

Amy's holding a basket in her hand and you wonder what's in there. You hope this isn't all because of your fight. You know it was as much your fault as hers but you can't help it, you can't help your temper when you're angry and Amy knows that better than anyone.

"Why are we here?" you say once you reach the big oak tree you've always sat under, together.

"Just thought it'd be nice, y'know? The weather's nice and we don't spend enough time together lately and I guess. I just thought it'd be good to do what we used to, back when things were always good." She looks down. You squeeze her hand.

"And the park would be a perfect place for a picnic, right?" You smile.

"Exactly." She lets go of your hand sets the picnic basket down to emphasize her point. "And besides, today's a special day."

"Really now?"

"Yup. Today's our anniversary. Today's the day we both decided to best friends forever, remember?" How could you have forgetten? You do a lot of smiling in her presence and today's no different. You tilt your head and just look at her, look at how beautiful every curve and inch of flesh is, at how soft her eyes look to you, at the slight curve to her lips that lets you know she's content, she's happy.

"You're such a nerd. And you say I'm the cheesy one." She smirks and bumps your shoulder.

"You are, idiot but somebody has to put up with you." You scoff.

"You mean I have to put up with your sarcastic butt." You sit, legs outstretched in front of you. Amy sits the same, facing the opposite direction and right next to you.

"I thought that was all a part of my charm. The Hulk that I am." You laugh.

"Idiot."

"Mhmm. Now let's eat. I'm starving." You side, mouth wide open.

"You're starving? Who ate nearly all the pancakes?" She looks sheepish before smiling, charmingly at you.

"I cooked them for you, though and hey, I've got all your favourites in here." She pats the top of the basket. "So you can't be too angry with me." She looks down.

"Hey." You run your hand down her arm. "I'm not angry at you. I'm done fighting. We do it too much lately." You shrug and Amy nods her head in agreement. "At least for this weekend, let's have some fun."

And that's what you do. You spend Saturday at the park and at home, playing around like you used to on the sofa. At one point, you see your parents walk past and smile at you both, indulgently like they've always done.

"Hey, Amy. We've missed you around here," your mother says, wrapping her arms around Amy in a maternal hug.

"I've missed you guys, too."

"Where've you been?" She shrugs and blushes a little.

"I've been busy with school and I kinda, maybe have a girlfriend." She looks away and your mother frowns.

"Oh. Oh, I didn't know. Karma didn't say." You shrug and look away, sheepishly.

"Yeah. It must have slipped my mind." Amy rolls her eyes.

"Mhmm," you mother says. "Well, we must meet her one day, right Karma." You smile as best you can and agree.

After that, you spend time laughing and joking and just being best friends. Sunday passes in a blur of happiness and before you know it, it's late Sunday evening. It's time to let her go and not for the first time, you want to cry.

You're both standing in the hall, looking at each other. You reach for her hand and pull her into a hug. You think that this is your favourite place to be, this is the only place you can just be. You pull back and lean in to kiss her cheek and somehow, somehow manage to catch the side of her lips and you wish more than anything that you could just kiss her like she was yours.

But she's not. So you pull away, blushing and wishing the butterflies in your stomach would disappear.

"I'll see you at school," you say before heading to your room. You don't get far.

"Karma, she says," grabbing your wrist. "Nuh-uh. You're not kicking me out. Can't I stay over?" She pouts as if she needed to too convince you to let her stay.

"Of course but I just thought, I just thought you'd want to go home and maybe call Reagan or something?" You've noticed how she never calls her, she never really even speaks about Reagan unless you bring her up.

"Nah. I'll call her tomorrow and I know I have some spare clothes around here somewhere." She shrugs. "It's our weekend and it isn't over, yet. C'mon, Karms, let's go have some fun." She drags you by the arm and you just follow.

You'll always just follow. Especially when it means you get to sleep in her arms again, you get to feel every curve, every dip pressed against you.

It's later that night, when you're replying to a text from Oliver that you notice Amy's mood shift. She's sitting next to you and tries to see your phone. You put your phone away.

"Who're you texting?" she says after you scoff at one of Ol's bad jokes you just read.

"Just Oliver." The expression 'face like thunder' has never made more sense to you than in this moment.

"Oh." You sigh.

"Amy. What is it? What the fuck is going on in that head of yours?" She frowns and you want to joke, to say that she'll get wrinkles if she keeps it up but you can't.

"Nothing."

"Are you jealous? It's stupid if you are." You reach for her hand and pull it close. "You're my best friend. No one else."

"I know. I just-do you like him?"

"As a friend, yes. I've told you, I've told you more than once, actually, that we're just friends."

"I know. It's just you look so close."

"We are but we're still just friends." She quietens for a few moments and you wish you didn't hear the next words that leave her lips, you wish that the fury inside of you wouldn't erupt in this moment, in this moment when she's so vulnerable but it does.

"You'd tell me if you were seeing someone, right?" she whispers and you hear it loud, reverberating in your skull. You pull away and feel your face contort into something ugly, something not you.

"You're my best friends, of course I would. I know what it's like when your best friend keeps stuff from you, remember?"

"Great. You're still not over Liam." She sighs and rolls her eyes.

"No. Fuck you, Amy. I've told you repeatedly that I'm over it, over him. It's you that isn't." Her head snaps in your direction. "This is about you and Reagan." She laughs in your face and it fuels your anger.

"Of course it is."

"You kept me from her, you hid me from her and her from me and then you have the audacity to tell me not to do the same to you?"

"It was complicated."

"Isn't it always between us? But don't worry. I don't like Oliver like that, I won't fuck him so you don't have to either." You see her freeze, see the blood drain from her face and every ounce of pain she feels, injects itself inside of you. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm sorry, Amy." You reach for her but she moves back and stands up, away from you. "Fuck. I'm sorry."

"I think-I think I should go." She slowly turns to walk away but you hold her wrist.

"Amy, please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. We've had such a good time, we can't end it like this." She turns around and looks at you. If your heart wasn't already broken, it would be now. You see her cry, see the downward tilt of her lips and the way her body shakes. You pull her close and she tucks herself into your chest. "Shh, I'm so sorry." You kiss the crown of her head and hold her close. Your mother walks past and shoots you a worried look. You shake your head and she leaves you both be. "C'mon, let's go upstairs. I've got something to show you, okay?" She nods her head. You hate when she's so upset she won't talk and now you've made her like this. Everything inside of you aches and you wish you weren't like this, you wish you could stop hurting her.

She's sitting curled on top of your bed and you sigh. You walk over, paper in one hand and sit on the edge of the bed next to her, rubbing her back with the other.

"Here," you say, placing the paper in front of her. She knew you liked to write poetry but you're even more scared to show people this than you are your music so she rarely sees any. She frowns.

"What's." She hiccups. "What's this?"

"Just read it, okay, Princess?" You kiss her forehead. "I'm just-I'm just sorry, okay?"

"I know," she whispers and you head towards your door.

"I'm gonna jump in the shower. I won't be long."

"Okay." Her voice is battered by emotion. It's low and scratched and bleeds against you. You know the poem, word for word and recite it to yourself as you lean against the wall for a few moments.

_I hold flowers that wilt_

_into ashes in my hands._

_I bury them. Water them_

_with tears that are too acidic_

_for anything but destruction_

_and wish, wish that I_

_could build meadows instead_

_of forests for my princess_

_to wade through._

_You climb towers and I_

_climb into space where_

_oxygen is sparse_

_and you're too grounded to reach._

When you enter the room, she's curled up under your blanket, poem clutched in her grasp and fast asleep. You see tear stains and walk over, wiping them away as best you can with your thumbs. You kiss her forehead.

"I'm sorry," you whisper before climbing in next to her and leaving space, leaving a void between you both.

At some point during the night, you awake to her curling herself around your body and smile before drifting off back to sleep where she's yours and you can love her in all the ways you want to.

**A/N: **

**So, so sorry this took so long, guys! It's been super busy with finishing coursework for University and travelling home for Christmas. I hope you guys enjoy this! Thanks to everyone for the lovely comments and feedback!**

**To Christina: How do I feel when I write? Usually, very liberated. I'm predominantly a poet so I find writing to be very therapeutic. Well, unless I'm writing prose. It doesn't come as naturally to me as poetry and sometimes I get scared that I'm not doing it well enough. **

**To kenfromnhus: Thank you for all the tumblr links!**

**To KarmySoldier: Thank you for the lovely and endearing comments!**

**To .98: That's a good point. I may consider re-posting and finishing the old, slightly worse but very different version of this story. Thank you.**


	6. Chapter 5: You Make Me Wanna

**Chapter 6: You Make Me Wanna – Usher**

'_Before anything came between us_

_you were like my best friend._

_The one I used to run to when me and my_

_girl was having problems._

_You used to say it would be okay,_

_suggest little nice things I should do._

_And when I come home at night and lay my head down_

_all I seem to think about is you.'_

Everything aches in the morning but Amy is snuggled into you so you don't dare move. Not yet. Your alarm for school hasn't gone off yet so you'll lie here, lie in your bed and soak in her presence.

The light stings your eyes until they begin to water a little and your head feels claustrophobic, too full, like your thoughts are pushing your skull and tearing it at the seams but you stay.

Amy snuggles even closer, head buried in the crook of your neck.

"Morning," she whispers against your neck and you shiver as her breath tickles.

"Good Morning, Sunshine." She sits up, eyes still a little puffy from crying last night and something inside of you shifts, digs deeper and sharper than before.

You stroke her cheek and she looks softly at you. You wish your words weren't always so sharp. You wish you knew how to be more like paper and less like rock.

"Don't," she says as you open your mouth. "It's okay." You shake your head.

"No it isn't but okay." You both jump as your alarm goes off. "Time for school." She groans and covers her face with a pillow.

"No. Can't we just skip?"

"No, Princess, we can't. Now c'mon, time to get up." You pull the blankets off of her and keep pushing her until she moves.

"You're so lucky I love you're annoying ass."

"And you're so lucky I look out for your education, idiot."

"Right." She rolls her eyes. "Of course. My grades are a direct result of you."

"Exactly. Now move." You pat of her on the butt and she narrows her eyes at you.

"I cannot believe you just did that. This beast of a feminist should kick your ass for that." You smirk.

"Mhmm but the best friend in you will let it slide and get ready. We can't be late."

"Who says that?"

"Me." Something in her changes. Her smile dulls a little and you wonder why.

"Okay. Give me five." She turns and you pull her back by her arm.

"What's up, Aims?"

"Nothing." She shrugs. "I'm just gonna get ready for school." You narrow your eyes and don't stop looking at her. She looks around the room but her eyes keep landing on you. She looks down and taps her arm on the wall. "I just-I just-I'm scared. This weekend was good and I'm scared that everything with fuck up again. And I'm scared you just want to get away from me." You pull her close and wrap your arms around her, kissing her cheek.

"You're so stupid. I don't ever want to leave you." And you don't. You'd give anything to keep her close by, to kiss and touch and love her like you want. The words are on the tip of your tongue but you swallow them down until they burn away in your stomach. "And I'm scared, too," you whisper. "I don't want to lose you. And since we don't want to lose each other, we'll make sure it doesn't happen, right?"

"Right." She takes a deep breath. "Right." She steps back. "I should get ready then."

"No." She frowns. "YOLO, right? Let's skip."

"But I thought you wanted to go."

"I'd rather spend my day with you, Princess." She smiles. "Now let's have some fun." Amy dives onto your bed and climbs under the blankets.

"Let's go back to sleep, then." You roll your eyes and lift up the blanket to tickle her feet. She squirms and kicks and tries to keep away but you know her well. "Stop, stop." You're both laughing.

"I said let's go have some fun not let's go back to bed, lazy girl." You don't let up and she writhes across your bed. You briefly wonder what kind of writhing she would do if you got to love her like you want, but you let the thought go and climb on top of her, attacking her ribs.

"Fine, fine, fine," she chokes out, laughing. "Fine, we can go do…something. Just stop." And so you do. You cheeks feel sore from the smile and laughter that's just consumed you. Nobody makes you laugh, nobody makes you happy quite like her. You pat her leg.

"Okay. So, what're we gonna do?" She raises an eyebrow at you. You look as innocent as possible by biting your lip, wrapping your arms around yourself and looking down. She sighs.

"C'mon, stupid." She pushes you. "If I can't sleep, let's eat, right?" You smirk. "I meant breakfast, idiot." She grabs your hand and pulls you towards the kitchen. "Since when did you get such a dirty mind? You laugh, wholeheartedly.

"Since you became my best friend."

"I'm pretty sure you weren't this bad when we were five."

"No, definitely not but I'm still blaming you." Amy pushes you and you catch yourself on the side and moan in pain.

"Ouch. That hurt."

"Sorry, Karms." She walks over to you and puts an arm around your shoulder. "C'mon, food will make you feel better."

"Of course it will." You smirk, still rubbing your side and Amy rolls her eyes.

After breakfast, you spend the day just watching, a lying and just being with Amy. Luckily, your parents have disappeared like usual for the day and of course, Zen is never home.

She's the only person you can be like this with. Liam, Oliver, everyone else would have to take you somewhere or you'd have to be doing something but with Amy, you can just lie there and be. Well, you can just be until Amy's phone keeps going off, until she keeps frowning and looks upset.

"What's up?"

"She's just so pissed off with me? What did I do? I just wanted to spend time with you and I see her so much. I didn't know it'd upset her this much." She talks faster and faster the more stressed she gets. "I mean, we're best friends." She shrugs.

"Did you explain that? Explain that it was special to us…maybe not the anniversary bit?" You bite your lip and rub your necklace you put back on, yesterday. You're glad she's looking down and doesn't see your nervous tick. She'd immediately know something was wrong.

"Not really. I didn't think it was any of her business."

"Aims, you're her business. You're her girlfriend. Why don't you take her out? Or do something special for her? Show her you're sorry you upset her but remind her that you will spend time with other people. And I don't mean just me. I mean Shane and all your other friends.

"Just tell her we always spend this weekend together, it's a tradition for us. Why don't you try and start a tradition with her so she doesn't feel left out."

"Oh. Good idea. I should go-go and try…plan or something. Thanks so much, Karms. I'll call or text you later and let you know how it goes."

"Okay, Aims. Good luck. Love you."

"Love you, too." She hugs you and then she's gone. And you're alone.

You call Oliver and he comes.

"Where were you today?" You shrug.

"Spent the day with Amy."

"Oh."

"Yeah." You look down and he slings an arm over your shoulder. You know it's unhealthy, to cling to him so much but he's so safe and you know you'll always be just friends. No complications.

You rest your head on his shoulder.

"What's up?"

"I-I'm trying to let her go and be a good friend but it's so hard sometimes, y'know?" You don't even cry anymore, just sit next to Oliver and lean against him. "Her and Reagan are fighting and I was trying to help her fix things, y'know, because that's what friends do but it hurts. It hurts to help her be with someone else."

"I know." You sigh.

"This is stupid. Why the fuck can't I just get over her?" The blood in your veins turns to fire and you want to destroy, to break something. You pull away and scream into a pillow instead and Oliver just sits there and rubs your back.

"It's not easy to get over someone and it's not like you chose this. It's not like any of us choose to like the people we do. It's okay, Karms, it's okay." You lean back and look at him, throwing a sympathetic smile his way.

"How do you do it?" He frowns. "How do you stand by and watch the person you're in love with be with other people?" He wipes his glasses on his shirt and turns away to hide the blush you catch a glimpse of.

"I'm lucky, y'know? I get to love-love someone…a lot." He shrugs. "I just want her happy and so I do everything I can to make sure that happens. That's what you're supposed to do, right?" He looks at you, a pleading look on his face. You swallow and nod.

"I wish I was more like you."

"You are. You helped her, even if you didn't want to and instead of being selfish, instead of forcing her to choose, you keep your mouth shut and cry to me." Guilt gnaws away in your stomach.

"I'm sorry." You shrug. "I know you're going through some stuff, too. You can talk to me, too, y'know?"

"I do know." A small smile spreads across his face. "You'd probably understand more than anyone but I'm okay. You're the one struggling at the moment and you're the one that needs me so I'm here. And so is Cait if you ever need her."

"I know."

"So, I was thinking. Cait wants to go to another party this weekend." You smirk.

"You didn't strike me as such a party goer."

"I'm not but someone has to look after her." You scoff and nod your head in agreement. "Anyways, why don't you come with us? We can see what's out there and you might get to have some fun with someone." You roll your eyes and nudge him.

"Maybe I don't want to have fun with just someone."

"I didn't mean it like that but you might surprise yourself. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone, right?" A laugh erupts from deep within your stomach.

"Is that what you're going to do?" He blushes and looks away.

"That's different. I have to look out for the two of you and drive you guys home." You shake your head.

"You don't have to, Ol. We may be girls but we can look after ourselves."

"I know, I know. I didn't mean it—"

"Like that. I know, I know."

"I just feel better keeping an eye on you both, just in case." You look at him for a few moments and take in the excessive fidgeting and how he seems to squirm under your gaze, even though he's not looking at you.

"I know." You place an arm on his bicep. "I appreciate it a lot, I do but don't you want to have some fun?"

"I do. I might not get drunk but it's pretty entertaining watching everyone embarrass themselves and stuff, y'know?"

"Fair enough."

"Yeah. So…you in?"

"Why not." He throws an arm around you.

"Thatta girl." You laugh before looking down and feeling sadness over come you, once again. "It's okay, don't be sad. She's in your life and she loves you and now you've got me and Cait, too and we care."

"I know." You raise a hand and pat his chest a few times. "You're the best."

He smiles and you copy him.

He's still throwing smiles your way, the next morning at school.

You're guessing Amy's plans, whatever they were, worked because she hasn't texted and you've just caught a glance of her. She looks happy. She looks happy and it's not because of you.

You look away and Oliver gives you a hug.

"Good morning, Sunshine."

"Morning, Ol."

"How're you feeling?" You sigh before deciding this is it, this is it. You can't have her, you'll move on and find someone you can have, someone worth your time (unlike Liam).

"You know what? I'm good." You hold your head high and Oliver looks at you for a few moments, frown in place before it morphs into a smile.

"Good. So, let's head to class. We good to meet at lunch?"

"Of course. Is Cait joining us today?" He shrugs.

"I don't know…probably." You smile. Today's a new day and you won't let things get you down, not today.

Amy walks over to you both as you head to class.

"Hey, guys. How's it going?" You smile.

"It's going good." Oliver nods his head next to you. She looks at him and you notice the way she tenses just a little, the way her smile dims just a little.

You loop your arm with his.

"We're heading to class, you joining us?"

"Sure-sure," she says and you loop your arm through hers.

You turn to Oliver and kiss his cheek, whispering a 'thank you for everything' in his ear. He blushes a little and looks down.

"You're welcome?" You nod your head and smile before turning to Amy and just watch. She's looking down, smile long gone and you feel something twist inside you. She's your best friend and she's feeling left out and so you kiss her cheek, too. She blushes but a small smile appears and she looks at you. You look softly at her and see everything that matters, everything that means anything to you standing right there, right in front of you.

"Thanks for everything, Princess. This weekend was the best." You squeeze her arm a little tighter and use your thumb to rub her lower arm.

You walk in silence for a few moments before you notice where you are.

"Well, this is me." You all stop and they both look at you. "Thanks for walking me to class, guys. I'll see you later." You throw a wave at both of them before taking a breath and walking away.

"I'll see you at lunch," Oliver shouts in your direction and you turn and nod in his direction. Amy stands there, arms around herself and you smile at her.

"I'll see you at lunch, too?" She smiles and nods her head in agreement. You wink and walk into class with a smile on your face.

**A/N:**

**Sorry this update took so long and sorry that it's a little shorter than the previous updates. Hopefully, I'll have another chapter up real soon.**

**Also, I've started a second **_**Faking It **_**fan fiction! Check it out if you want and if you don't want to, then don't. :)**

**I hope you're all enjoying this.**

**A**


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